Love and Relationships: Getting Over Insecurities

In the journey of finding “The One”, finding yourself is a big step. Knowing what your strengths and weaknesses are is essential in finding the one thats going to maximize those strengths and minimize those weaknesses.

Being comfortable with you you are is the key. Throughout the years of life and school we find out not only what we like and don’t like about ourselves, but what others like and dislike as well.

The problem is when we start focusing only on those flaws and putting ourselves down because of them.

Remember- nobody is perfect. We all have flaws and things that we don’t like about ourselves. Every single person out there. It’s the one thing that we all as people have in common. We’re all flawed. The sooner you learn that the sooner you can get past it. Embrace your flaws. But that’s easy to say now isn’t it?

Insecurities are like plants. You can cut them off at the stem but unless you unroot them they’ll continue to pop back up into the future.

So the first step is finding the root of your issue with yourself. For every issue there’s a reason it’s there. Maybe you got teased as a child about something. Maybe an ex brought up a deficiency of yours that made you insecure. Some way, it’s there for a reason and you have to dig deep to find out why that is.

The next step is to remember. No matter if you think you’re unattractive, too big, too small or what- don’t forget all of the compliments and good things that people have said about you. Chances are that you’ve heard many more compliments than insults in your life. However when it comes to our own insecurities, compliments become white noise- all blended together like a tear in the ocean. Don’t let that happen. Remember every compliment you’ve ever gotten about yourself and how much they outweigh that one or few times that someone’s insulted you about the same thing. Don’t let one insult be a worth a lifetime of compliments. You may be the best looking person in the world, yet there will be AT LEAST one person out there somewhere who doesn’t like the way you look. You will never be able to please everybody, so why even try? Learn to accept that you’re flawed. We all are.

After that do some positive reinforcement. If you have to, look in the mirror and tell yourself that you look good today. Look in the mirror and compliment yourself. We all want someone who’ll make us feel comfortable with our insecurities, but how can we expect someone else to love us as-is when we can’t do it ourselves? If you can’t love yourself for who you are, expect that no one else will and expect to be put down for every flaw you have. Because if you can’t love yourself, chances are nobody else can either. You don’t have to like every little thing about yourself, but you have to learn to do two things- change the things you cannot accept and accept the thing you cannot change. If weight is your issue, go work out and change eating habits. If you have a disorder or condition that does something to your appearance, accept it as what it is and know that whoever truly loves you will love you for that too. Somebody who will point out an unchangeable condition of yours and use it as a means of demeaning you doesn’t truly love you. So if that happens, don’t even waste your time anymore.

It’s not easy at all to accept your flaws when most likely you’ve talked down about these things or have done everything to try and hide them for years. Remember that this is a process. It’s going to take a while to look within yourself and be accepting of the things that have bothered you for so long. So embrace the challenge and embrace yourself because if you want someone to love you unconditionally for who and how you are, you must first prove that you can do it yourself. Everybody has flaws, it’s how to deal with them that makes you who you are.

Love and Relationships: Embrace the word NO

Too often in life we’re coddled and pacified.

We’re taught at birth that if we cry for something loud enough, we’ll get it. From bottles to our diaper changed- make some noise and it’ll happen. As we grow a little and join team sports, second and third placed teams get trophies in pee wee leagues and being denied a flat out win is subdued.

In other words, it takes a while for us to face the feeling of rejection. Hearing the word no.

Most people are afraid of the word. Have that question in their head of what if somebody says no. This is especially prevalent when it comes to approaching a person you’re interested in.

Many people look at the parts of a relationship and struggle with how to get from meeting someone to getting on that first date. It’s easy to tell somebody to be confident, but it’s not like confidence can just spring up on you at any moment. The foundation of confidence is the fearlessness of the word No.

My Dad told me when I was 13 years old- “Son, for every 10 women you ask out, 3 are gonna say yes. And nobody gets kicked out the big leagues for batting .300.” So essentially what I was told in a very clever way is to expect rejection at least 70% of the time. Expect to hear the word no 7 of 10 times. I remember going to a school dance and askin my mom about how to get a girl to dance with me. She said “just ask, either they’ll say say or no- they won’t beat you up for it.” Translation- embrace rejection. It happens but it’s not the worst thing in the world.

So I was taught early on to embrace rejection. Embrace the word No. After all like I’ve said in previous posts, the true test of a relationship is not about what you love about somebody, but what you don’t like. A relationship doesn’t truly start until the first objection. But of course you have to get in the relationship first. So do yourself a favor.

Embrace the word no.

Don’t forget the friendship

It happens all the time. Boy meets girl, they become friends, date, then get married. Ideal relationships in a compact nutshell.

But what gets lost in this is the friendship. It’s sad to see some people think of marriage as two people who don’t talk, don’t have sex, just have rings on their fingers and sharing the same last name.

That’s not marriage.

But in marriages like that, what happened? They lost the friendship. Plain and simple they forgot how they got to where they are. Some people are willing to do all the work to get to the top of the mountain without realizing that it’s much easier once you’re at the top to fall off.

The pinnacle of any serious relationship is marriage so keeping the friendship aspect alive and fresh is a must. There’s a reason you both got together and fell in love enough to commit your lives to each other, so go back to the basics. It should never get to the point where you have to rekindle your relationship but if it does it’s as easy as reprising the friendship. Go back to where you started. Chemistry and a connection can go dormant but never does it die.

So ask yourself, what do we like to do together? Where’s somewhere we can just getaway and talk?

Go somewhere and hangout- make new memories and cherish the friendship that you’ve built over time. Cherish and cater to the friendship because too many times we only focus on the romantic part of a relationship and forget the daily grind. The friendship should in most cases take precedence over the romantic aspect because it’s the foundation.

Having a great friendship with great communication is a recipe for a successful relationship. Unfortunately Cupid’s arrow doesn’t ensure everlasting love. Once you have it you have to work on it and the easiest way to do that is to get back to the basics. Don’t forget the friendship.

How do you Know You’re in Love? Part 2/2

Loving someone is your heart’s choice. Falling for them is yours.

It’s effortless to feel love for people because for the most part we as people are predisposed to caring for others. Acting on those feelings however is a totally different beast.

Falling in love is as much about love as it is your fearlessness and willingness to act on it. You have the person that you care for, the chemistry and the connection is there and you’re ready to act. You’re ready to say it… At least you think so.

But how would you know for sure?

The true test of a relationship is not what you absolutely love and adore about a person, but what you don’t like and how you can handle or tolerate it.

A good example is if you’re dating someone and everything is perfect up until they get upset about something. They tend to get very violent and confrontational and takes it out on you. You may love that person’s smile, the way they treat you when they’re happy, even down to the sex- but if they get angry and make your life hell, how long can you tolerate that?

So what’s needed is to find out what you don’t like about that person and think about how you can handle it. You can’t just love a person for the good and hate them for the bad. To truly be in love you have to either love or tolerate everything about a person. That’s the true test of if it’s going to work or not.

You can start off early by asking someone about what they’re self-conscious about. Chances are they’ll tone it down, but just having an idea of what they don’t like about themselves will give you a window into something you may not like. If they tell you something that they don’t like about themself that you also can’t stand, chances are that you’re just biding time. The key to true love is to love freely. Flaws and all. So if you have a Boyfriend/Girlfriend who is also ashamed of the things you’re self-conscious about- you just may be wasting time.

But let’s just say that you’ve found for the most part things that you don’t like and you’ve spent time around each other and you can tolerate it. Then by all means, take the leap and fall right into love. Ignoring things you don’t like and expecting them to change will ultimately destroy the relationship. It can be like a chip in the windshield that turns into a crack. Get the chip fixed. Communicate.

So how do you know you’re in love? You take the leap. You can love anybody, but truly acting on it and giving in to it, as well as admitting it is when you know. Like momma often says “When you know, you know.” Some things are just that simple.

How do you Know You’re in Love? Part 1/2

Falling in love is one of the best feelings you could ever have in life. People write books about it, songs too. But you’ve got to know just what it is that you’re falling into. Which brings us to one question- What is love?

First of all it’s one of the hardest questions to answer. Ask 10 different people and you’ll most likely get 10 different answers.

In the dictionary, Love is defined as an intense feeling of deep affection. But what exactly does that mean?

Love is a wonderful, beautiful, incredible feeling. However at the same time it’s maddening and detrimental. So what’s the real love?

Love is the foundation of all human emotion. Every emotion you could possibly have is linked to love in some way. Have a hater? Most likely they hate because there’s something about you that they’d love to have. Afraid of something? I’m sure you’d love to stay away from it. Mad because you would love things to be different. Sad because you loved the way things used to be. Every single emotion is tied in with love.

Love starts off with two things- Connection and Chemistry. The heart is always looking for love whether you are or not. With that said, when you meet someone and you have instant chemistry the heartstrings get pulled and the seeds of love get planted. Depending on the situation, these seeds can grow into a weed or a rainforest so its paramount that you’re mindful of your feelings and are very open with yourself about what you’re feeling.

One thing that’s almost impossible to do is to suppress love and deny the heart of its’ desire. As the foundation of all emotions, love is a dominant matter of the heart and as such is stubborn. Denying your heart its desire will only make it grow and grow until you can’t deny it anymore. So be honest with yourself about the way you’re feeling and don’t be afraid to love when given the opportunity. But second and maybe even more importantly, make sure that you’re open to the other person. Love is a tricky thing but the one thing that sucks is when you’re falling in love alone. So once again, communication is key.

One thing to remember is to be fearless as it comes to love. Never be afraid of letting out just how you feel with someone that you have a connection with. Ideally you want the love to grow at the same rate so if the feeling begins to hit you just be honest about it and upfront. You never know, you may not be alone in how you feel.

Falling for the Wrong One

Falling in love can and should be one of the most rewarding and exhilarating times of your life. I got an email from someone who’s dealing with falling in love with someone. The problem is- it’s not her man. So when you already have the one you love or like then begin feeling chemistry for someone else, what do you do?

Well first of all there’s only really two choices you have. Give in or get away.

Chemistry is one of those things that can’t be faked or easily ignored. When two people have good chemistry and feelings for each other it sticks out like a bright red pimple on prom night. There for everybody to see. The interesting thing about a situation like this is that if the person is a friend that you spend time with, chemistry can build very fast up to the point where you’ll find yourself thinking about that person instead of your significant other.

Obviously this can become problematic. If the person is a friend as in the Emailer’s problem, it’s going to take a great deal of communication on both of your parts to figure out what to do.

Chemistry can be a very delicate thing especially when you don’t necessarily want to have romantic chemistry with a certain person. It calls into question what your heart is doing. If you already love someone but your heart begins drifting another way you have to figure out quickly what you’re going to do about it. Like I said, there’s only really two choices.

If you and the other person decide to keep the friendship the same and just ignore the chemistry- it’ll grow. Chemistry is a matter of the heart and as such is defiant and doesn’t just bow down to your demands. Have you ever heard the phrase “You can’t help who you love?” Well it’s true in every sense. You really can’t help who you fall for. Denying your heart what it desires will only make its’ passion grow. It’s like telling a highly motivated person that they can’t do something. Most likely they’re going to prove you wrong.

So what’s the solution?

In the situation I’m addressing it involves two close friends. In that situation only I’d say kiss once. Being close friends and knowing each other well should be a great help. But one way or another you’ve got to find out whether this is just a breeze that’s going to blow through or if it’s a longterm thing that needs to be addressed. Much can be solved by one kiss. Then after that decide whether you give in- or get away.

How to Find Yourself

“Be yourself and love yourself, because if you don’t- who will?” – Montique David

In order to be loved you must first have a love of self. But that lends into a greater question- How can you love somebody you don’t know?

In order to truly love yourself and be loved the way you want to, the first thing you have to do is find yourself.

But how?

First of all you have to think of yourself as a puzzle piece. You want the person that fits you but how can you find that person if you don’t even know how your own puzzle piece looks? It’s like buying shoes without knowing your shoe size- makes no sense. You have to first know about yourself before going out and getting something that fits just right.

And please remember- This is a marathon, not a sprint. Finding yourself is a journey of self discovery and enlightenment and that just doesn’t come easy or fast. To do this right you have to be patient and know that this could take weeks and maybe months. All depends on how serious you are about finding yourself and how hard you work on it.

1. Put your past on paper: First of all, you don’t truly know where you’re going and who you are until you acknowledge where you’ve been. In order to do that, strap in and take a trip down memory lane. Write down all significant parts of your past and how you’ve changed because of them. Make sure to include past relationships and early childhood. Doing this will give you a good idea of not only where you’ve been, but where you’re headed.

2. Pros and Cons: WARNING- HONESTY A MUST. Write down a list of your own pros and cons. And don’t hold back. Be brutally honest about yourself and put down everything you can possibly think of on paper about yourself. Put down everything you’re self conscious about and things that you just don’t like in general. Most people are visual learners so having it down in front of you to see can do a lot of good.

3. Ask yourself questions: Why are you so difficult? What did you do wrong in your last relationship? Why is it hard for you to find that special one? Write down all of the things that you personally need answers to and seek answers for those questions.

4. Lose yourself: Sometimes you have to step out of your comfort zone to truly know how to find out who you really are. So get lost in things that aren’t really “you” because sometimes finding out what you’re really not is a way to zone in on who you really are.

5. Take your time: Again, this is a marathon and not a sprint. You have to be willing to patient and realize that this is a process that’s going to take you up and down the roller coaster of your life, through the peaks and valleys and you have to be ready for it all. Get ready for long trips down memory lane and painful thoughts from past failures and losses.

6. Meditation and mind clearing: Winning doesn’t make you better, losing does. Life can be like sports at time because if you’re winning winning winning then you don’t change anything in your approach because you’re on the path you want to be on. However when we lose we’re forced to make adjustments and change things up in order to get into the winning ways. With that comes overthinking and stress. The best way to combat that is with meditation and mind clearing. Find a open, quiet place and just close your eyes and be within your own space. After all, a cluttered mind can be like heavy traffic- hard to get through in a timely manner and frustrating.

7. Goal setting: This may be the most important thing on the list however it’s not the first because you should only start to set goals after you’ve begin to have a good outline of who you are as a person. You should set personal as well as physical and career goals. The key in setting a goal is to remember that the goal should be the prize at the top of the ladder. With that said, don’t just say “I’m going to lose 20 pounds in two months” then two months later wonder why you’ve gained. Set the big goal then list out the steps of how you’re going to get there. Which exercise routines are you going to do? How are you going to change what you eat? The steps are more important than the goal because if you reach all of the steps then the goal should be right within reach if not surpassed.

8. Community Service: In a way it’s a shame that most community service work is done by people forced to do it by a court order other than volunteers that do it to serve the community. Mahatma Gandhi one said “The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others.” Helping people is one of the most enriching things in life, and doing that every once in a while or maybe more often can add lots of joy to your life.

Tips

1. What people think doesn’t matter: Remember this- You are never as good or bad as people say. Maybe you’re self conscious about your physical appearance or certain features on your body that could draw attention and ugly looks from others. But what needs to be understood is that no matter what people think, it doesn’t put a dollar in your pocket or take a dollar out of it, and if it don’t make dollars then it don’t make sense! By the way, if you changed yourself everytime somebody disapproved of something in your physical appearance, you’d change something every minute from now till the day you leave this world. You are perfectly yourself so have confidence in how you look no matter what. Always strive to better yourself and be better but also be confident in who you are currently. I always say that most artists don’t enjoy their own masterpieces. As your own masterpiece it’s only natural to see flaws, but it’s time to turn that around and focus on having confidence about yourself.

2. Stay positive: Being negative is the biggest hurdle you have to get over in your journey to finding yourself. It’s so easy to see the flaws not only in yourself but in life. Stop it. Start by keeping a smile on your face. Smiles are contagious so make sure you infect as many people as possible everyday. Also talk up others instead of talking down and spreading gossip. Become the person in your circle of friends who is upbeat and always putting a positive spin on things. You’ll be surprised at how much your positivity will help others.

3. Listen to advice but make your own decisions: Opinions are like flaws- everybody has at least one. So when you share your troubles with friends or trusted family members, most likely they’re going to give you advice on what they think you should do. It’s always good to know someone else’s perspective on problems you’re facing. At the end of the day it’s your life to live and thus it’s your choice. You may make the right choice or you may fail miserably. The key is to think through your feelings as well as the situation itself and think “What would I say to my best friend if they were in this situation?”

4. Don’t aim for others’ approval: You’ll never make everybody happy. All you can hope for is that you’re happy with yourself and people are happy for you. If you find yourself and some people don’t like who you are because you’ve cleaned up some things, then you know where they really stand in your life. Always seek to better yourself, never seek to change to appease others’ because you have as much of a chance at pleasing everybody as you do counting every raindrop during a Florida thunderstorm.

5. Be forgiving: When you go on your blast from the past you’re going to come across times when you blame yourself as well as other people. Learn to forgive not only yourself, but those who have wronged you. You do that for yourself in order to live life freely without the burden of regret over something you can never change. Truly forgiving people who’ve hurt you and moving on completely from mistakes you made is a necessary step in the goal of finding yourself.

Remember- before you can truly be loved, you must first love yourself. And to truly love yourself you must know yourself. This can be one of the best experiences of your life if you make it. So make the most out of it.

How to Make a Long Distance Relationship Work

In an earlier post I’ve outlined if long distance relationships can work. They can but they do take work. This time we’re going to tell How you can make them work. I think there are seven steps to successfully make it work.

Do things together– Whether it’s watching TV together or cooking a meal, make sure you have your bluetooth on and are doing things that negate the distance gap. Netflix a movie together then afterwards, talk about it so that you have common things to talk about. If you’re a gamer then get on Playstation Network or Xbox Live and have a little romantic competition. Just always remember to keep it fresh and create new things to do as a unit.

Outline parameters– The worst mistake you can make in a long distance relationship and with life in general is assume. Never assume. Define what your relationship is with your significant other. Find out if you’re just talking, dating, boyfriend and girlfriend, engaged or whatever it is. You have to ask the question of “what are we?” and make sure that you’re both on the same page because if not then you my friend are wasting time.

Get creative when you communicate– Sometimes video chat, text, talk on the phone, writing letters- whatever floats your boat just find creative ways to talk to each other. You never want to get into too much of a rhythm when it comes to long distance relationships because it can lead to complacency and taking things and situations for granted.

Send something of yours to the other person– A necklace, a sweater or shirt with your cologne/perfume on it. Just something that when your partner misses you then they can turn to and be comforted that at least part of you is with them.

Don’t be controlling– Trust is the word that comes to mind. In a long distance relationship not many things are under your control. Pretty much all you can do is talk and contact by phone. You can’t just swing by the job and bring them something to eat or meet up for lunch. Because of that, people tend to feel the need to control the time spent and almost overwhelm their partner. Be respectful of each other’s time and don’t try to invade your partner’s life. Asking where they are all times and being demanding is not the foundation of a great relationship. It’s the downfall.

Talk about the future– It can be easy to get upset about not being able to see your loved one for a long period of time. Talking about the things you’ll do the next time you’re together is a good deterrent to being upset and pining away for that loved one. Make future plans and set up things you’ll do when the time does come and you close the gap.

Take advantage of the benefits– Having a long distance relationship isn’t all bad. In a relationship we can often lose ourselves and damage our individuality in order to mesh into the relationship. While apart in a long distance relationship, you can keep your individuality while molding a relationship around it. In a way it’s ideal because while you grow collectively you get to see the day to day operations of your partner on an individual level. So you still get to have all the hangout nights you’d like to have while still spending time with your partner.

Following these steps is essential in having a good chance of having a very loving and enjoyable long distance relationship. If you don’t- then you might end up as one of the people who always say that “Long distance relationships never work”.

State of the Union

Every year, the President of the United States gives a long speech about the current situation the country is facing. He usually highlights where things are going and the great job he’s done thus far. Then he sets forth a plan to improve next year and beyond.

This is something to take into a relationship.

Every six months, take time to just sit down with your significant other and talk about the state of your relationship. The outline of this talk should look something similar to this.

1. Problems in the past 6 months- Outline things that have been going on that you haven’t particularly enjoyed and work on solutions to these problems if they haven’t been solved completely yet.

2. Goal setting- Set goals individually and collectively. You should always strive to better yourself and through bettering yourself also better the union. You can only get better as a unit if you first get better as individuals. So work on who’s in the mirror first, because individual problems can easily turn into relationship problems.

3. Clear the air- We all have arguments and discussions that get left unsettled. Things that get left unsaid. During this time is the perfect time to put that all out on the table and readdress those issues to clear the air going forward. The purpose of doing this is to keep things fresh and see what the stumbling blocks are for your relationship. It’s also instrumental in making sure you aren’t wasting your time.

4. Plan- Have a trip coming up or family reunion to attend? Take time and plan where you’re going and when. Always look to have some kind of getaway or vacation at least once every two years. Afterall, life can get tedious and repetitive and a vacation is exactly what’s needed- to vacate your life for a short amount of time. In a long distance relationship? This is the best time to plan when you’re going to be together again.

5. Future- There’s physical planning such as trips and things, then there’s relationship planning. Plan for the immediate future going forward. Let’s say that one of you have been dating someone for a few years and you’re getting that marriage itch. See if it’s in their plans to get married in the next six months to a year then readdress it on the next State of the Union talk. If you two have said that within the next six months you’ll get married and it doesn’t happen, during the subsequent meeting you can talk about it and figure out why and set a new date.

6. Self evaluation- Talk about how you feel you’ve been in the relationship and what you bring to the table. Only Focus on yourself. Take turns then discuss what you’ve said. Some people can be quite jaded and generous in how they feel they’ve been in a relationship so now’s the time to address any last issues going forward.

7. Seal with a hug and kiss- Who doesn’t like affection in a relationship? This is one of those things that can go really good or really bad depending on how the past six months have gone. But no matter what, stick to the template, argue if you have to- then end it with a hug and kiss. This should be the end all be all discussion for everything of the past six months so get all the bad feelings and concerns out the way then end in a warm embrace. If you can’t get to this step- maybe it’s time to move on.

The State of the Union should be one of the highlights of a relationship. If done correctly, it can eliminate long term problems and those nagging issues that keep popping back up. The main thing to remember is that this is a time to be open and honest about things so DONT HOLD BACK! Get everything out on the table no matter how damning it may be. If you have to say something that could lead to the downfall of the relationship then it’s better to be said and possibly worked out than to be held in and slowly decay the relationship.

All in all, this is a great way not to waste your time. You find out rather quickly if you and your partner are on the same page and if not, you set yourself up with six months to either fix your issues or go your separate ways.

With all of that said, I recommend all people in relationships no matter how long or short, start this practice. Depending on where you are in your relationship or what you’ve been through, this can be a very easy or very difficult step. Specifically for the relationships that have been going on a while and have lingering issues, this can turn into a huge argument. Just remember to be attentive and listen, and beyond all else- end it with affection. Like I said before, if you can’t air out issues and work on solutions in a civil way- then why waste your time?

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Long Distance Relationships: Can they work?

I got lots of emails on Facebook about this subject so Iʻve decided to address it.

With the rise of online dating the number of long distance relationships also climb. But can they actually work? Of course they can. But for them to work thereʻs three things that youʻve just got to have:

3: A Plan- If youʻre going to date someone from a far away area code, at least have a plan set to meet that person at some point in time. If the first week of conversations go well make sure to address when a possible meet time is. If you donʻt then you can really set yourself up to be wasting your time.

2: Communication- If this is someone youʻve met online then chances are that youʻve got to build everything through phone/text/video messaging. Keep things fresh and communicate often. Unlike in a relationship where things get physical, your sense of touch for one another is completely off the table. Overcompensate with calls, texts, and video calling to bridge the gap.

1: Trust- The most important thing in a long distance relationship is trust. When meeting someone on an online dating site, itʻs probably a safe bet that you arenʻt the only person theyʻve taken an interest to on the site. You have to address the question not only of how many people theyʻre talking to, but how serious are they with other parties. Trust in them to tell the truth is paramount if youʻre going to have a chance to succeed.

Even if you have these things, a long distance relationship can be difficult to carry on. When you enter into one of these thereʻs always a great deal of caution to have because behind a computer people can be whoever they want to be. You can be the sweetest most loving person at one point then you can be totally different in person. Talking about things and getting perspectives from this person should be one of the top things on your list.

So if youʻre in one of these long distance relationships you have to come up with a logical date when you can meet. Would be ideal if every few weeks you can spend a couple of days together to help the relationship blossom like its supposed to. Without any physical contact whatsoever, itʻs going to be tough sledding to get your relationship moving in positive ways. So make a way to meet as soon as you can.

Because who wants to waste time on the phone all day if itʻs destined to go nowhere right?